Kerim has received information as to the location of
Krilencu’s hideout, and he and Bond are now outside it. Kerim has resolved to
kill Krilencu, but his arm is injured. Bond offers to do the killing instead.
He has brought his folding sniper rifle, which he assembles. Two policemen
approach, but it’s okay: they’re two more of Kerim’s sons. They’re going to
ring Krilencu’s doorbell. He will flee through his escape hatch, at which point
Bond will shoot him. Krilencu’s hideout is behind a large poster for a film
called Call Me Bwana.
Kerim’s boys prepare to ring Krilencu’s doorbell. Kerim
decides that, injured or not, he wants to pull the trigger, and Bond hands him
the rifle. The sons ring the doorbell, and Krilencu’s escape route is revealed:
though Anita Ekberg’s mouth. But of course.
Kerim struggles to line up the shot, but finally manages to
fire. Krilencu plummets to the ground, dead. Bond makes one of his trademark
one-liners:
“She should have kept her mouth shut.”
Bond arrives back at his hotel room. He begins stripping off
for a shower, but is vaguely aware that something is amiss. Still, it doesn’t
stop him getting his hairy chest out.
He switches on the shower, but then hears a noise from the
bedroom. Leaving the shower running, he wraps a towel around his waist, grabs
his gun, and moves towards the bedroom. He peers in and sees- my word!
Well, half the audience have just had their fanservice, so
it’s only fair that the other half get some too. Tatiana runs across the room,
almost completely naked, her various bits on display. You couldn’t get away
with this sort of scene in a PG film nowadays, but hey, it was the sixties.
Bond and Tatiana (or “Tania” to her friends) introduce
themselves to each other. They both know why they’re here, so it takes all of
thirty seconds for them to begin flirting.
“You’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen,”
says Bond.
“Thank you,” says Tania, “but I think my mouth is too big.”
Bond glances down to see her lick her lips suggestively.
“No, it’s the right size,” he says. “For me, that is.” Holy shit, Bond. I
really hope the writers meant her mouth was the right size for Bond’s tongue,
because otherwise, we’ve got a blowjob joke in a Bond film from the sixties. So
much for it being a more innocent time. Bond and Tania kiss, and begin getting
it on. Bond wants to talk about the Lektor, but Tania isn’t interested. She
says they can discuss it in the morning. Bond agrees, and it’s sexytime.
However, there’s more here than meets the eye. Unknown to
either of them, the giant mirror behind the bed is a two-way one, and on the
other side is Klebb and a SPECTRE goon, secretly filming the action. Yep,
they’re pretty much inventing the sex tape, way before Paris Hilton or Pamela
Anderson, and are going to use it to humiliate Bond. I would like to reiterate
that this is a PG film. A PG film that features explicit nudity, blowjob jokes
and sex tapes. Weren’t the sixties awesome?
Hey, did Bond ever go and turn off that shower?
The following day, Tania, as instructed by Bond, visits the Hagia Sofia. Bond is there also, and
motions to a particular column. She’s dropping off the plans to the consulate,
and she places them in the designated location. However, Bond notices that the
dude with the beret and glasses is still stalking them. He prepares to deal
with him, but before he can do so, Grant yet again steps in and kills the guy.
Bond successfully retrieves the plans.
Back at Kerim’s office, Kerim informs Bond that the
Bulgarian’s death was nothing to do with him. Bond concludes that it was probably
the Russians, protecting Tania until Bond takes the bait. He’s close, but not
quite. They examine Tania’s plans, comparing them with the blueprints, and find
them to be the same. She’s been telling the truth so far, but Bond intends to
interrogate her about the Lektor as well. Kerim is convinced that Bond is being
stupid, and that he’s blinded by Tania’s beauty to the obvious trap. Bond,
however, is confident that he knows what he’s doing.
Bond arranges to meet Tania on a ferry. She’s petrified, glancing
around, worried they’ll be seen, but Bond is casual and relaxed. He’s got a
camera with him, which he instructs Tania to talk into. It’s actually a tape
recorder, which will be sent back to M’s office in London.
Prompted by Bond, Tania describes the Lektor in very
specific detail, occasionally pausing to flirt with Bond. Later, as M and a
group of men are listening to the tape, Moneypenny is listening in, and pouts a
bit when Bond flirts back. He begins to relate a story about him and M visiting
Tokyo. M hastily shuts off the recorder, looking embarrassed. He orders Miss
Moneypenny out of the room. Hmm. I wonder what exactly happened in Tokyo?
Bond receives a message from London: the description Tania
gave checks out. It looks like this is the real thing. Bond and Kerim prepare
to steal the Lektor. As befits Bond’s style, he chooses the stealthiest and
least noticeable method: blowing up the building. Because why the hell not?
While everyone is running around in confusion, he runs down to the room Tania
works in, and finds her standing next to the Lektor, looking a bit surprised.
Well, the building she was in did just explode, after all.
They then meet up with Kerim in the underground tunnel, and
flee along it. They pause only for Tania to gasp at some rats.
Lektor acquired, they make their escape in a low-key
fashion, by boarding the most one of the most famous trains in the world: The Orient Express. They’re not alone,
however; Benz, a security agent from the consulate, sees them and gets on the
train. Grant is also lurking on-board as well.
Kerim shows Bond and Tania their compartment, and provides
them with their cover identities: David and Caroline Somerset, returning from a
business trip. To Tania’s disappointment, they have no children. Bond and Kerim
step out into the corridor to discuss the plan. The train will be stopped at
the Bulgarian border, where the three of them will get off and be met by
Kerim’s sons. From there, they will drive to a nearby airstrip, and catch a
plane to Athens. After that, they can fly back to London. Plan sorted, Kerim
heads off to speak to the conductor, while Bond pops into the room to do some
romancing with Tania.
When Kerim returns to the room, he spots Benz snooping
outside the door. He brings Bond out into the corridor to tell him. No problem,
though; Bond and Kerim go to his room and take him captive.
Bond leaves Kerim to look after Benz, and Kerim does so with
relish. He threatens to tell Benz his life history, which Benz looks less than
thrilled about. Bond heads back to the room; as he does so, he walks past Grant
without realising.
Back in the compartment, Tania is trying to give herself a
moustache, for reasons best known to herself.
Bond enters the room, and presumably enters Tania, as we
fade to them post-romancing. Eventually, Bond decides it’s time to go and meet
Kerim in the restaurant car. As they do so, however, an attendant rushes up to
tell him there’s been a terrible accident. Bond pushes Tania back into the room
and goes to see what the problem is.
Sadly, Kerim is dead, as is Benz. The attendant thinks they
killed each other, which is quite silly, especially since the audience know
that a certain blond-haired assassin was responsible. There’s a real-life sense
of poignancy as well: Pedro Armendáriz was terminally ill with cancer during
the shooting of this film, and knew he was dying. He did the film so he would
have some money to leave to his family. Not long after finishing work on the
film, rather than die a slow death, he committed suicide. Fortunately, he will
always be remembered: Kerim Bey has gone down as one of Bond’s most memorable
allies.
Back on track (literally). Bond bribes the attendant to keep
his mouth shut about the deaths. The train fails stop at the border, confusing
Kerim’s sons. Bond returns to the compartment, angry. He tells Tania about
Kerim’s death and grabs her. He tells her that he knows it’s a trap, and
demands to know what’s going on. Tania refuses to speak and so Bond smacks her.
Tania begins crying. She tells him that she genuinely didn’t
know that Kerim was going to be killed, and that she cannot tell him the truth,
even if he kills her. The only thing she will confess is that she has fallen in
love with Bond. Seeing that he isn’t getting anywhere, Bond leaves her in the
room.
The train arrives at Beograd (Belgrade), capital of
Yugoslavia (now capital of Serbia). Bond alights from the train and moves up
the platform, unaware that Grant is following closely. He meets with one of
Kerim’s many sons. After exchanging the passphrases, Bond informs the man of
his father’s death. Bond asks him to send a message to M and have an MI6 agent
meet them in Zagreb. He hands the man a few of Kerim’s personal effects, and
boards the train again. Unbeknownst to him, Grant has heard the whole thing.
The train arrives at its next stop, Zagreb. This time, Grant
steps off the train. He approaches a man with an attaché case. It’s worth
noting that, at this point, we haven’t heard Grant speak. He talks with the man
but his voice is drowned out by the train’s whistle. However, from his
gestures, we can tell what he’s doing: he’s giving the passphrases to the man. Grant
then leads the man into the public toilets. Er, okay.
Shortly after, Grant emerges from the toilets alone, in
possession of the man’s hat and attaché case. At this point, Bond emerges from
the train. Grant approaches him, and gives the password. Bond gets on the train
with Grant, believing him to be a fellow MI6 agent.
Oh dear.
Screencaps courtesy of
screenmusings.org
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